Feelings Don't Matter

Quite honestly, I thought seriously about deleting this blog. The last few days have been crazy, and I've really been struggling.

I asked myself, "Who am I? Who am I, to write about purity? Who am I to write about honoring your future husband?" 

What right do I have to write about and preach about, things that I am passionate about, but somehow always seem to fall short?

See, that's where the Cross comes into play.

I don't deserve His grace.

I don't deserve His mercy.

I don't deserve His love.

But, somehow He loves me in spite of my unworthiness. I have struggled for years, yes years with the topics that I'm passionate about.

I love purity, I love standing up and fighting for Biblical womanhood, I love being a champion for feminine grace to this generation, but I've always felt so inadequate.

How can I preach about purity, and waiting on the man God has for you, when I secretly loath doing so? How can I get on a stage and say these things, when I did not make wise choices?

The Cross.

See, I kept doing what alot of us do. I looked at myself, at my past. I looked at my failures. My inadequacy. My fears. My weakness. My pain. I wasn't looking fully at the Cross.

Yes, I loved the Cross. But this was one area of my life that I still, after all this time, had not submitted and surrendered to the Lord.

I knew I messed up, I knew that. And I kept going back to me.

"Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions." -Ps. 119:18

I didn't look upon the Cross as sufficient.

I refused to believe that His blood made me white as snow.

Last night a friend and I were talking about this, my struggle, and she said something to me:

"Who else? Who else, Jess, will stand up and stand out, like you are. I don't know many young women who are so faithfully waiting on the Lord. No one is perfect, we all are sinners. We all need grace. But, honestly, if there is one person that the Lord has appointed to be set apart for this stuff, it's you."

 Then, I read Jeremiah 1:5

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."

I am chosen.

I am set apart.

I am appointed.

We all have a sacred and holy calling upon our lives. To know Him, and make Him known!

My ministry is a struggle, but in this, there is always room for the Lord's mercy, and His strength (Phil. 4:13).

I am not adequate, not in the slightest.

But, it doesn't matter. I am a vessel, being used by the Lord to champion the Gospel, and spread the beautiful message of purity.

It doesn't matter how I feel.

All that matters is I am a child of the Most High King!

All that matters is I've been forgiven by Jesus' death and resurrection.

All that matters, is I don't have to rely on myself, but on the truth in God's Word.

It doesn't matter that other people think I'm crazy and even a little naive for stepping out for Christ and His Kingdom.

It doesn't matter if I just want to have a pity party, because of my past mistakes, my God is greater, and He has greater things coming, joy will come in the morning (Isa. 35:10)

When we surrender something to the Lord, it is in His hands, He is perfectly capable and able to make something beautiful out of our mess. However, we must not be quick to snatch it back, to take the pen back that we gave Him to write our story, we must "be anxious for nothing".

All that matters is that we are in His hands, and He is greater than our failures. He is greater than the trials.

He is a strong tower. My hope and joy is in Him alone.

I'm just merely learning to replace the lies of the Enemy, with the truth of God's Word.

"I will not build my life upon the passing sands
Of how I feel inside from one moment to the next
But I will love you Lord, my Rock, my God, my Strength
A precious cornerstone that floods of death can never shake

For there is no peace of mind, outside of truth in Christ
For the fear is real and it's power can kill
But the stability of our times, the stability of our times
Will be the Rock that is higher, He's higher
The Rock that is higher" -Laura Hackett, When I Am Afraid