Jealousy

Recently, I have been battling the sin of jealousy in my life. As a woman, the media often hypes up what I am supposed to look like, wear, act like, what my career goals should be, and what my life should look like as a 19 almost 20 year old.
I can tell you personally, my life has not turned out the way I planned it to.

In high school, I wanted to become a pharmacist, and now I am pursuing a certification in early childhood education. I have never once let society convince me of my own inadequacy in any other area except physical appearance.

My physical appearance has meant so much to me from a very young age. I am a girl, so yes I will be concerned with how I look. But, my fascination with my appearance was not a good thing. For years, and I still struggle with this -especially recently- overwhelming feeling of betrayal by God. I felt He didn't make me in His image, because how could I be made in His image and have a disorder as I do? God doesn't make mistakes, but I've always felt like I was the exception to that.
I have never intentionally fully smiled in a photo in over 13 years.

Having a cleft lip and palate has made me so jealous, I have sturggled with envy immensly, and of this I am not proud. However, this post needs to be written.

I know that in Christ we are new creations. I know that I was adopted into the Kingdom by a loving Father.
I just struggle with my feeling so inadequate. I loathe looking in the mirror.

I am at a point where I just want to be able to have the freedom to smile and not be stared at continuously by those who have no idea how many surgeries I've had, or what my story is.

I am struggling, I am fighting this.

I would appreciate your prayers tonight.

Reminders of Godly Womanhood

I desire to always be…

• A woman who exudes a quiet dignity and gentle spirit
• A woman who draws attention to God and not myself
• A woman other women can look up to, but not idolize because I’m authentic and transparent about my struggles and victories
• A woman who ushers others into being captivated with Jesus as the lover of their soul
• A woman who brings honor and glory to my King with reverence, never losing my adoration or awe of His majesty
• A woman completely secure and satisfied in the love of my Heavenly Father
• A woman of modesty and mystery
• A woman of purity of heart and mind, protecting innocence without being ashamed of my commitment to set-apartness and holiness
• A woman with an undivided heart, doves eyes
• A woman of action and advocacy for worthy causes and needs
• A woman who can be a sister and a mother to many
• A woman who brings out the heroic masculinity and Christlike identity God has for the men in my generation
• A woman who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit and immediately obedient when I hear His voice, because I recognize and know it already
• A woman that is bold and direct enough to guide and guard men’s hearts away from myself and toward the true desire of their heart- Christ.
• A woman who showcases Christ’s power and who brings the good news to a world in so desperate need of it
• A woman who is wise and understanding but willing to always humbly learn more
• A woman who relies on God for my all, living each day in increasing faith
• A woman who doesn’t need to be noticed or recognized, but only desires that God would be acknowledged, honored, glorified and praised.

Although I wrote this as a reminder for myself, I desire this for all Goldy women. There is so much more than this that God has given me the desire for, and so much more He is calling me to be as a Godly woman.

Even with all this, I keep in mind that, like Paul, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:12-14)

This Week's Goals

I know it's Monday night, but it's never too late to dream another dream, as C.S. Lewis said.  Anyone who knows me knows I love to plan, I love to make lists, and I am a clean freak of sorts.

Here's my goals/to do list for the week:

• Finish Editing the new listings for Etsy shop (Tuesday night)
• Go to tire shop on Hwy 25 to replace tires on Explorer
• Figure up budget for USC v. Florida game
• Plan meals for Jeremy's lunches/dinner
• Can
• Apple Butter
• Pear Butter
• Apple Sauce
• Strawberry Rhubarb
• Organize flea market merch by Friday morning
• Go to Jane's to repair coat
• Finish Nehemiah
• Find a new jar lifter on Craigslist
• Start Packing for Florida
• Photo shoot on Thursday with Kathi

As I look over my list for the week I remember that I must "do the next thing". I often struggle with having so much to do that I get overwhelmed and have a hard time completing tasks/following through. So in light of that, I decided to write down a list of every thing I want/need to get accomplished besides my daily running around, and am coordinating things around my morning routine.

God only requires of us to do today's work. Tomorrow's tasks will still be waiting there for us. Enjoy life. Spend time with your parents. Have lunch with your brother. Just do the next thing, and do it well.

Serve others as if you were serving God. Work for your boss, as if you were working for the Lord. Give each task required your full attention and do your best.

God doesn't expect perfection, none of us are perfect. But you must, try. 

With love and grace,

Jessa

The Courtship Perspective

I posted this before, when my blog was more active, and wanted to repost as food for thought.

A pastor that I have heard about several times, posted this to Facebook, and I thought it was great, so I'm sharing. Enjoy.

So I am writing a note on this to bring to light some of the things God has ministered to me relating to how Christian singles can enter boldly into a place and understand if they are in a God-honoring relationship before marriage and how to attain such a relationship. A lot of people have asked me questions on this topic the last 3 months, probably more than how to prophecy, or release anointing, or "see" in the Spirit.

While I do not pretend to be the expert on the matter, some of the most powerful encounters with young people I have had over the last 12 years is related to this topic. I have experienced the heartbreak of illicit and godless relationships tearing away precious saints from their path only to watch them go through tragedy after tragedy and fall by the wayside. Thank the Lord for ransom, redemption, and rescue! I have watched Spirit filled young people with the best intentions enter into relationships with one another and because they lacked protocol and knowledge on how to honor God in their courtship, become a casualty of less, when God wanted so much more.

Hell is after the power of covenant. Covenant with God is powerful. Covenant with people is powerful. Covenant is powerful! God requires that intimacy flows through covenant, it is a gate of intimacy. Intimacy without covenant leads to shame, while Intimacy in covenant strengthens. I am not talking solely about sexual intimacy although that is the highest form of intimacy between two people in the context of marriage. Areas of intimacy can only extend as far as is permissible to the covenant between parties.

Young people have approached me with "interests" and desperately wanted to understand their attraction to someone and yet where afraid they lacked basic skills to protect themselves and the other person in case it was not a right fit for marriage covenant. So here we go:

1. Dating: If you look up the definition of dating, you will see that it appears harmless enough. However upon further examination you will see that in the 1920's, "dating" turned into more of an expected social norm between many people than its role in the 1800's, which was to find a marriage partner. Dating is defined as a "form" of courtship. This reminds me a "form of godliness" but denying the power thereof. Dating would be a form of courtship, denying the "purpose" thereof.

Of course we are not ignorant of such evil devices, that the enemy of God looks to simply twist something good and turn it in to a big diversion. If the enemy can get in at the beginning with a minor change, the end result will look drastically different.

I often tell people, dating teaches you how to divorce. So, in the 1800's, courtship was the norm, a young person would prepare their lives, and be prepared by family to be ready for marriage, and then begin to court someone of notable character, leading to a marriage without comparison, and full of purpose. But in the early to mid 1900's, dating because social, and people were expected to date lots of people. They would date and break-up and date and break-up, leaving emotional baggage such as rejection and un-forgiveness as part of their “life luggage”. They would find "true love" after a while, marry and find themselves unable to sustain covenant because of being ill prepared and being so deceived. After a while since little emphasis was placed on the importance of covenant, they would divorce, leave the marriage as half a person, and then go on to try it again with someone else to many times a similar end. The children would be in this tragedy, to question everything including their own involvement, their purpose, and reason for their existence. The children would grow up, and like their parents, enter into the same destructive cycle that has befallen our culture.

This has morphed yet again, and now we have "casual sex" and the ever cheapening of God's purpose on the earth expressed in Family.

Do you see how the little change in the front end led us to such a drastic shift in culture? Now, we have hurt people hurting people and established system that has invaded our schools, our teens, our young adults, our court system, and touches every avenue of our culture.

God is restoring covenant in the family

Some of this starts in courtship. So I want to spend more time talking about the power and enjoyment of the wonderful experience of courtship over the pitfalls of dating.

I can speak of my experience.

When I met my wife Coral, I had a supernatural encounter with God that changed me. The Lord spoke to me as He highlighted her, and I knew she was to be my wife. I felt the need to make my purposes clear to her and told her on the 2nd date that I was after her hand in marriage. She  had not had the same encounter with God regarding me as I had regarding her, so this was a little abrupt (I now teach against this kind of premature heart sharing). Sharing my intentions so early proved to be a misstep that led to months of a desperate pursuit to win her over. During those times, it was God’s grace (enabling capacity) that sustained me. When many men would have given up, I pursued because of the word of God and the love of God that was poured out in my heart. God had given me His daughter, she just did not know it yet.

I approached the situation with some decisions that you need to make before you go into a courtship.

1. No matter what, we will both be better at the end of the process.
   1. That is the power in courtship, both people can come out healthier and stronger than before they begin, the complete opposite of modern “dating”.
2. I will respect and honor her as God’s child and walk in the proper sequence of courtship
3. I will not enter into a physical relationship that could dishonor either of us or more importantly dishonor God, I will do this right.
4. If at any time, God reveals that this is not His perfect will, I will end the courtship and salvage a friendship.
   1. People have said you can never be friends after you “date” someone, but if you are in a courtship that results in parties not heading towards marriage, friendship can be strong after a season.
5. No matter what, we will both be better at the end of the process. (You will notice I mention this twice because of its importance)
6. If this person is not my spouse, then one day, his/her spouse would prefer to thank me, rather than punch me.

We had a pure 2.5 year courtship and tested our relationship in extreme emotional and spiritual conditions as well as physical restraint. We endured tragedy and saw how each other responded, we saw how we handled money, met and began to understand family dynamics (a big part of marriage), got a sense of the future from one another’s perspective, etc.

We knew each other when we walked down that aisle emotionally, spiritually, and were not ready to be joined in covenant physically. We had walked through the proper sequence of courtship, and at any time could have walked out of the relationship being better people and move on towards our individual destiny with little emotional overhaul needed.

But we didn’t, we moved on to enter a joyous union and you know what, after ALL of that preparation, we were shocked that marriage was HARD. You would think that handling a lot of these things (definitely not all) correctly, marriage would be easy, but it is not. Can you imagine how hard it would be without preparation? Ask around 9/10 people out there could tell you since they were probably not adequately prepared for marriage. As a child of God, you have to be led by Holy Spirit as you find, court, and marry your spouse. You must be ready to be obedient.

Emotional Fasting in courtship-

This is something that Holy Spirit instituted in my courtship season with Coral. This was my experience and I am not setting it as principle. One day, Holy Spirit spoke to me about taking a week and fasting from Coral. I will never forget that conversation with her. I remember her replying, “We can’t even talk on the phone!?”…and I was almost ready to fold at that moment but had to stay true to what God was saying. “No, we have to spend a week away and get out of our emotions and hear from God if we are to continue down this path together”. This was hard, I was dying on the inside as this was 6 months into our courtship and God had already revealed to me that we were to be married. We would do this several more times throughout the 2.5 years. It was a hard week, but after the first few days, my emotions took their rightful place and I  was able to hear God on the issue, able to disconnect from my relationship and future planning and hear God’s heart on the matter. By day 5, God could have said to me, “End the courtship” and I would have been able to do it with minor heartbreak. These fasting times were one of the most powerful times of our courtship and happened as late as a week before our wedding.

Testing before marriage

I believe in this also. Courtship should have tests. You should test your courtship. One week before our wedding, I went up into the woods of Tennessee My goal? To find an good reason to not marry my wife. If there was any reason that I could find for why we should not be married since I have met her family, worshipped with her, made plans with her, etc. I would end the courtship. I needed a week, because it took 4 days to get out of the emotions of it and on the 5th day I knew that God was in our courtship and was endorsing our marriage. I looked throughout the word knowing the calling on my life (a 2.5 year conversation that we walked through together) and let Holy Spirit speak to me.

The last 2 days were me celebrating and thanking God for preparing me to marry this wonderful daughter of the King. One week later on my spiritual birthday 4/13/07 we were married. God was in our marriage and at our wedding in a powerful way. Although it was a week of Thunderstorms, our Friday wedding was the most beautiful day I remember (important since it was open-air at the beach). The Lord shined down on us because we were faithful to His process and rewarded our faithfulness by being involved in our marriage in a mighty way.

Blessings,

Joshua Todd

Quiet Time Poems

My life has changed tremendously since I last posted on this blog. Honestly, I was hesitant to even look at my old posts. But, with some encouragement from my boyfriend, Jeremy, who I written of occasionally before, I am writing again.

Here is something I've been working on during my quiet time.

The autumn leaves fall
The air grows crisp
You are still Lord of all
Wet dew surrounds me in dawn
Beautiful sunsets at dusk
You carry me on
I see Your wonder in a child's eyes
I remember Your faithfulness
The summer was bitter
Brutal, even
You sustained me
You carried me on
The leaves are falling
Trees growing bare
You come calling to me
"Come away beloved!"
Oh, but why do You call at all?
I am prone to wonder

*more to come*

Your sister in Christ,

Jess

Philippians 1; A Source Of Joy

Pick up your Bible, grab a cup of coffee, and join me in my quest for joy led by Paul the Apostle.
Please read Philippians ch. 1 before reading our study and the questions that follow. There is a link at the bottom of this post that will guide you to this chapter online if you'd like to read it digitally.

Paul begins his epistle, and this chapter with a customary salutation. He follows this with an expression of thanksgiving and prayer for the Philippians.

  "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy," - v. 3-4

Becuase of the fellowhsip that Paul shared with the church at Philippi, he expresses joy over them and has a confidence that the work the Lord had begun in them, He will complete. Because of their fellowship and his confidence, he prays that their spiritual growth will continue.

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment," - v. 9

Paul desire is for them to be sincere, without offense,  filled with the fruits of righteousness, by Jesus. These things he ultimately prays will be of glory and praise to God.

"so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." - v. 10-11

His circumstances at Rome have actually been for the furtherance of the gospel, despite

imprisonment and opposition by false brethren.  He is confident that everything will turn out 

alright, and that he will even come to them again.  It is not without mixed feelings, however, for he 
is torn between a desire to be with Christ and a realization that to remain in the flesh is more 

needful for them.

Verses 17-25 always stir a longing in my own heart. I find that I often times have to remind myself 

that this life is but a vapor, and eternity is forevermore. I have prayed v. 20, that Christ would be

manifested in me, and this His light would shine in me. If you, reader, take nothing else away from

this study, please take verse 20. Meditate upon it. 

 "according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to 
shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as 
always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."

Paul had an earnest struggle, he wanted to preach, but he desired to be with the Lord. One can't do both at the same time. He ultimately made the choice that his staying on this earth at that current time was more beneficial to the Gospel. How thankful I am that he was able to bless us with a majority of the New Testament.

He died to his wish, and was obedient to the Lord's will.

  "Only let your conversation be as it becometh the gospel of Christ: that whether I come and see you, or else be absent, I may hear of your affairs, that ye stand fast in one spirit, with one mind striving together for the faith of the gospel;" -v.27

 The above strikes a chord within my own heart.

It stirs me to ask the hard questions. Am I really bringing others to knowledge of the Gospel by my speech? What about when I'm not at church, is my conversation with friends or my boyfriend advancing and honoring to the Lord?

I often find that I'm sadly convicted of idle conversation. 

This is one area that I must submit to the Lord, and I'm joyfully reporting that He is gracious to finish what He has begun in my heart.

  "For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake," - v. 29

Paul wanted the church at Philippi to understand the importance of Jesus' words that we must take up our crosses and die to ourselves. We are not to just be believers of the Word, but doers. We must be willing to give up everything and potentially be ridiculed and punished for His name's sake. Because He's worth it.

That is where true joy is found, not in more of ourselves, but in more of Him. 

Here's an outline of the first chapter.

I. INTRODUCTION (1-11)

   A. SALUTATION (1-2)
      1. From Paul and Timothy, servants of Jesus Christ (1a)
      2. To the saints in Christ Jesus who in Philippi, with the 
         bishops and deacons (1b)
      3. Grace and peace from God and Jesus Christ (2)

   B. PAUL'S THANKSGIVING AND PRAYER (3-11)
      1. His thanksgiving for them (3-8)
         a. That every thought, every request in their behalf, is one
            of joy (3-4)
         b. For their fellowship in the gospel from the very first day
            (5)
         c. He is confident that God will complete the work begun in
            them, for they have shared with him in his chains and the
            proclamation of the gospel (6-7)
         d. God is his witness to how much he longs for them with the
            love of Jesus (8)
      2. His prayer for them (9-11)
         a. That their love abound in knowledge and all discernment (9)
         b. That they approve the things that are excellent (10a)
         c. That they be sincere and without offense till Christ 
            returns (10b)
         d. That they be filled with the fruits of righteousness (11)
            1) Made possible by Jesus Christ (11a)
            2) To the glory and praise of God (11b)

II. THE SITUATION IN ROME (11-26)

   A. PAUL'S IMPRISONMENT AND OPPOSITION (12-18)
      1. Imprisonment has actually created opportunities to spread the
         gospel (12-14)
         a. Things have turned out to the furtherance of the gospel, 
            for even among the palace guard it is evident his chains
            are in Christ (12-13)
         b. His example has emboldened others to speak without fear
            (14)
      2. Even opposition has provided opportunity for Christ to be
         preached (15-18)
         a. While some preach Christ out of love and good will, others
            do so with envy and strife, hoping to make things harder
            for Paul (15-17)
         b. Yet Paul rejoices that in every way Christ is preached (18)

   B. PAUL'S EXPECTATION OF DELIVERANCE (19-26)
      1. He knows all will turn out well for his salvation (19-20)
         a. Through their prayers and the help of the Holy Spirit (19)
         b. He is confident that no matter what happens, Christ will be
            magnified (20)
      2. Whether he lives or dies, it will be a blessing (21-23)
         a. To live is Christ, to die is gain (21)
         b. To live will mean fruitful labor, but to depart and be with
            Christ will be far better for him personally (22-23)
      3. Knowing their need of him at the present, he is confident of
         coming to them once again (24-26)

III. EXHORTATION TO STAND FAST (27-30)

   A. STRIVE TOGETHER FOR THE FAITH OF THE GOSPEL (27)
      1. He pleads that their conduct be worthy of the gospel (27a)
      2. So that whether present or absent, he may hear that they are
         standing fast in one spirit, united in their efforts for the
         faith of the gospel (27b)

   B. DO NOT BE TERRIFIED BY YOUR ADVERSARIES (28-30)
      1. For such confidence is not a sign of perdition, but of 
         salvation from God (28)
      2. They have been granted not only to believe in Jesus, but also
         to suffer for Him even as he does (29-30)

Have a blessed week!