Jealousy

Recently, I have been battling the sin of jealousy in my life. As a woman, the media often hypes up what I am supposed to look like, wear, act like, what my career goals should be, and what my life should look like as a 19 almost 20 year old.
I can tell you personally, my life has not turned out the way I planned it to.

In high school, I wanted to become a pharmacist, and now I am pursuing a certification in early childhood education. I have never once let society convince me of my own inadequacy in any other area except physical appearance.

My physical appearance has meant so much to me from a very young age. I am a girl, so yes I will be concerned with how I look. But, my fascination with my appearance was not a good thing. For years, and I still struggle with this -especially recently- overwhelming feeling of betrayal by God. I felt He didn't make me in His image, because how could I be made in His image and have a disorder as I do? God doesn't make mistakes, but I've always felt like I was the exception to that.
I have never intentionally fully smiled in a photo in over 13 years.

Having a cleft lip and palate has made me so jealous, I have sturggled with envy immensly, and of this I am not proud. However, this post needs to be written.

I know that in Christ we are new creations. I know that I was adopted into the Kingdom by a loving Father.
I just struggle with my feeling so inadequate. I loathe looking in the mirror.

I am at a point where I just want to be able to have the freedom to smile and not be stared at continuously by those who have no idea how many surgeries I've had, or what my story is.

I am struggling, I am fighting this.

I would appreciate your prayers tonight.